Opens Never

Reviews of movies that do not exist. By John Purcell.

The Blink of an Eye

A veteran police officer races against the clock to disarm a giant nuclear bomb that is set to detonate in Times Square. He must also inspire a ragtag team of middle school softball players to believe in themselves and win the national championship. Not to mention that today is his twenty year high school reunion and things are about to get a little naughty. The film bounces effortlessly between suspense-filled thriller, light-hearted children’s sports comedy, and gross out sex comedy. Gripping yet poignant. Lots of male nudity. USA. 92 mins.

Allergic To Milk

Documentary about a Mexican man who is deathly allergic to milk and also kidnaps dogs. The film explores the elderly man’s struggle with his incredibly rare allergy and the sacrifices he’s had to make because of it. Also, whenever he sees a dog that he likes on the street, he grabs it and runs away as fast as he can. A unique story that is equal parts harrowing and endearing. It’s not clear exactly what he does with the dogs after he kidnaps them. Mexico. 78 mins.

The Only Way

Intriguing Spanish arthouse film about a man who doesn’t want to walk anywhere but also recognizes that he doesn’t really have a choice. The unnamed character (played by Juan-Carlos Mentia Raul Salvator-Menendez) really hates walking anywhere for any reason but, at the same time, readily admits that he has no other option. As the film progresses, it’s impossible not to identify with his character’s resistance to any type of walking. However, it’s also impossible not to ultimately concede that he really has no choice but to do some walking, if only a very small amount. Spain. 111 mins.

Talk To The Horse!

What happens when a sassy overweight Black girl and a horse are forced to share a college dorm room together? The answer is a 90-minute laugh-filled teen sex romp that is equal parts irreverent and heartwarming. Despite the fact that they start off on the wrong hoof, Clandessa Williams (the girl) and Sharon The Horse (the horse) ultimately become best friends. ‘Talk To The Horse!’ has all the hilarious gross out moments you expect from a teen sex comedy, including Sharon The Horse defecating on the majority of the boys she tries to have sex with. USA. 84 mins.

Boris He Is Friend And All Of Cooking

In what may be one of the finest Russian indie films to reach our shores this year, ‘Boris He Is Friend And All Of Cooking’ features a script that was written in Russian, translated into English, and then translated back into Russian. The film depicts the titular character’s attempt to find “very conversations with most acquaintance and always chicken school.” While Boris initially finds culinary school difficult, he finds a confidant in his nerdy yet attractive female classmate Petra, whom he affectionately refers to as “pleasing face vehicle.” Russia. 103 mins.

The Boy Who Looked Like A Gymnasium

The heartbreaking true story of Bobby Marino, a seven-year-old boy from Alabama whose face looks exactly like a full-size gymnasium when viewed from certain angles. Marino (played by newcomer Fred Sharp) experiences constant humiliation, such as when a local high school mistakenly schedules their senior prom to take place on his face. A riveting scene near the end of the movie  with Steve Buscemi and James Gandolfini as grizzled construction workers who insist that they install a new basketball court on Marino’s face — is as powerful as anything you’ll see this year. USA. 98 mins.