Opens Never
Reviews of movies that will never see the light of day.
The Only Way
Intriguing Spanish arthouse film about a man who doesn’t want to walk anywhere but also recognizes that he doesn’t really have a choice. The unnamed man (played by Juan-Carlos Mentia Raul Salvator-Menendez) really hates walking anywhere for any reason but, at the same time, readily admits that he has no other option. As the film progresses, it’s impossible not to identify with his character’s resistance to any type of walking. However, it’s also impossible not to ultimately concede that he really has no choice but to do some walking. Spain. 111 mins.
Talk To The Horse!
What happens when a sassy overweight Black girl and a horse are forced to share a college dorm room together? The answer is a 90-minute laugh-filled teen sex romp that is equal parts irreverent and heartwarming. Despite the fact that they start off on the wrong hoof, Clandessa Williams (the girl) and Sharon The Horse (the horse) ultimately become best friends. ‘Talk To The Horse!’ has all the hilarious gross out moments you expect from a teen sex comedy, including Sharon The Horse defecating on the majority of the boys she tries to have sex with. USA. 84 mins.
Boris He Is Friend And All Of Cooking
In what may be one of the finest Russian indie films to reach our shores this year, ‘Boris He Is Friend And All Of Cooking’ features a script that was written in Russian, translated into English, and then translated back into Russian. The film depicts the titular character’s attempt to find “very conversations with most acquaintance and always chicken school.” While Boris initially finds culinary school difficult, he finds a confidant in his nerdy yet attractive female classmate Petra, whom he affectionately refers to as “pleasing face vehicle.” Russia. 103 mins.
The Boy Who Looked Like A Gymnasium
The heartbreaking true story of Bobby Marino, a seven-year-old boy from Alabama whose face looks exactly like a full-size gymnasium when viewed from certain angles. Marino (played by newcomer Fred Sharp) experiences constant humiliation, such as when a local high school mistakenly schedules their senior prom to take place on his face. A riveting scene near the end of the movie — with Steve Buscemi and James Gandolfini as grizzled construction workers who insist that they install a new basketball court on Marino’s face — is as powerful as anything you’ll see this year. USA. 98 mins.
Lara Croft Tomb Raider: A New Beginning
The third and final installment of the ‘Tomb Raider’ series focuses on Lara Croft’s quest to learn Adobe Photoshop. ‘New Beginnings’ picks up almost ten years after the last ‘Tomb Raider’ movie as we discover that Croft never received a salary for tomb raiding and now must battle to develop marketable skills in order to bulk up her resume for the competitive U.S. job market. Angelina Jolie’s performance is simply stunning, particularly a thrilling scene in which Croft struggles to convert a .TIFF to a .PDF. A worthy end to the series. USA. 85 mins.
Rocks
‘Rocks’ is a movie about rocks. The picture opens with a dramatic shot of rocks, continues with various surprisingly dramatic shots of rocks, and ends with a breathtaking (and perplexingly dramatic) shot of rocks. While the dialogue in ‘Rocks’ may be sparse, the presence of rocks is not. Over the course of the seventy-five minute picture, the audience is left with no option but to examine their own attitudes toward rocks, unpleasant as that may seem. When questioned about his inspiration for the film, writer/director Tony Feldman stated “I wanted to make a movie about rocks.” With ‘Rocks,’ he may have succeeded. USA. 75 mins.
